Day 20: My Changing Body

I was a tall, skinny kid who evolved into a Barbie-shaped teen and young adult when my perfect hourglass figure began to emerge. When I was young, I spent my summers on a pool raft with a family of thin female sisters and cousins and our mothers and grandmothers lecturing us on a cautionary tale of how to keep our bodies from turning into their curvy, skirted one-piece bodies.

Yes, that is an Abercrombie moose tattoo. No, I do not still have it.

One of my mother’s rules was to avoid sports. She had an explanation for how each sport would “ruin” my perfect body shape: soccer/volleyball/basketball led to thick thighs, swimming widened shoulders, and gymnastics/ballet prevented hips from filling out. Running was only ok if I stopped before becoming too muscular. I could also perform dance styles such as tap, jazz, and swing to imitate Turner Classic Movies stars, and I was often celebrated for my ability to fit into vintage costumes.

My relationship with my body was maintaining a youth-like thinness and my flat stomach as long as possible because once it was gone, I had lost the game. One of my siblings was a model with an eating disorder who even brought me to her agency. At the time, I was a 5'8" size 4 on top and 6 on the bottom. The agency told me I could reshape my body into a perfect 4 and find commercial work in the growing plus-size (normal-size) market. I'm happy to say I abandoned that idea quickly.

As my weight slowly increased and clothes got snug, I found the “Couch to 5k” app and started taking fitness classes. I still struggled to adapt to my changing body (a process also known as becoming an adult female), and I started therapy for processing that and other mounting mental health challenges.

Rewiring my brain has been an ongoing process. I am training myself to appreciate who I am right now. I'm working towards being strong and healthy, rather than chasing an impossible, teenage-sized version of myself.

This body or mine has grown a 9 1/2 lb baby, survived a near-death experience, repaired and repainted every inch of my house (inside and out), and even raised over a million dollars for charity.

My body is helping me fulfill my goals and dreams, and she deserves tender loving care!

I really struggled with how pregnancy changed my body.

This is where we are now: chipped nail polish, paint on my hands, softer edges, and a collage of stretch marks, bruises, freckles, and scars.